Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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