Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
