Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
