Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
