Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
