My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
