I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
