Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
