i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So squirting runs in the family.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
