Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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