who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Come share oat with me in your robe
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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