Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
