when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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