its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
