Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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