I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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