i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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