i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
