You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
