this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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