omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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