In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
