Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
