i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
