Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
