Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
