Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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