It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You need Xanax blowdarts
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
