New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
