i was born a porn star she said
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
