So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
