Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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