I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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