he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
