I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
