shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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