Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
