I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
