Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
