my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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