The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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