if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
