I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
