Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
