I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
