You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
