I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
