thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
