you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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