better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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