Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
3 2 1 whiskey
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's shark week go big or go home
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
