Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
