I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
