I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
