dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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