I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
